“No man is an Island, entire of itself;
every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less…
any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind;
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.”(John Donne, 1572-1631)
Coulda fooled me 18 months ago. I took pride in being an island. I wanted to be a self-governed island in complete isolation. A rogue island nation, population: ME.
“What? Need help? Me? Nah…”
“Why? Do you think I’m incapable? Not strong enough? Less than? I don’t need help, thankyouverymuch.”
I was on the fast-track to a crushing burn-out only I didn’t know it yet.
Strung out, worn down, angry, resentful, a shell of my true self. I was in tears daily, shouting at Isla, screaming at Sparky. Barely getting by.
Then, things got really bad. I got very dark. Started talking to myself. HATING myself. I won’t lie – the thought of leaving everyone behind crossed my mind more than once. The thought of something more tragic was there too. Barely though.
One day I found myself staring in the mirror saying, “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you,” over and over again. And a tiny voice spoke up and said, “Hey, you know this isn’t normal, don’t you?”
That night, I did the hardest thing imaginable. I asked Sparky for help. Thank God.
The next day was the beginning of the uphill battle to save my sanity. (Seriously.) Diagnosed with post natal depression, the process was: Doctor, therapist, psychiatrist, medication. Rinse. Repeat. Even now.
Why Am I Telling You This?
Truth be known, I am terrified to tell you this. It is raw and close and brutal. And you may judge me for it.
But the lessons I learned over the past year and a half are what have led me to where I am today – a place of contentment, joy, purpose, love, acceptance and happiness – and that is absolutely worth sharing. Even if it prompts one other person to ask for help.
The Most Important Lesson?
No matter what your story, your stage in life, your struggles, your support network:
Ask for help when you need it.
Don’t be too proud. Don’t be ashamed. Don’t put up with battling along by yourself. People care about you. People are there to help. Let them.
I care about you. If I can help, let me. Tell me what you’re battling with, because sometimes simply sharing what’s on your mind lightens the weight you carry. (Via email if you would prefer!) xx
We are not stupid. We know things are out of control, we are worn out, over-committed, under pressure. But how to change? How to start living a slower, simpler life?
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I’m so proud of you, my brave sister. Love you lots xx
Mwah! I’m lucky to have sisters like you Mich. xx
This post took a lot of guts Brooke. I’m sure a lot of people will relate & hopefully take some positive steps as you have. You’re awesome!
Aw, thanks Dee. I must admit, I held off publishing it for a little while. But I know that my story is not unique – I hope someone else finds it and gets comfort/strength from it. xx
Thank you so much for your courage in sharing this Brooke. I’ve just had my third beautiful child and it’s only really now that I’ve felt comfortable even accepting the help that had been offered
( let alone asking for it). Previously, I felt like I had to do it all, by myself, on time, perfectly (or as close to as possible) without any feelings of guilt or inadequacy or complaining – and with style. Now I accept offers of help with a “yes that would be great, thanks” and a big smile.
Thanks for the reminder that people are there to help and to let them. I’ll carry that with me from now on. : )
Lulu, first of all – hats off to you with three littles. Nice work, lady!
And second of all – I love to hear that message of not having to do it all A) alone and B) perfectly.
That is (obviously) something I have struggled with a lot, and continue to struggle with, but I feel stronger in myself since I started asking, “Who owns these expectations?” Oh, right. Me.
And that’s led me to dropping the comparison game (for the most part) which has also helped A LOT. Because inevitably, we compare our insides (the worst, uncensored parts included) with the outside of others (which is only what they choose to show). Not a fair comparison, really.
Thanks again for reading and leaving your lovely, warm comments. x
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I feel like I’m reading my life story, just add a drug habit I’ve had since I was 15 that none of my family, except for my husband and a few close friends know about, I even have a 2 year old named Isla too. There is something about your blog Brooke that really connects with me, Thank you for sharing and please, please don’t stop. Kia kaha (n.z maori for be/stay strong)
Tam, that is incredible. What an amazingly strong woman you are.
And I agree – there is some kind of cosmic connection going on there. You also have impeccable taste in childrens’ names. ;)
Thank you for sticking with the blog and sharing some of your story here – it keeps me going and makes me stronger. More than you can imagine. xx
Brooke, Thankyou for sharing. It takes courage to say what you’ve said and I find myself sitting here thinking you and I have more in common than even we realised! I really do think we should catch up for a picnic with the kids, a coffee and a chat. We could compare notes for what works and what doesn’t! xx
Thank YOU Shannon! Would love to catch up over a picnic one day soon. Let me know when/where works. I’m always up for swapping ideas! x
I just found your site via planning with kids. You can be very proud of this post. Amazing, honest, brutal, hopeful! If only all of us were so brave! I am sure it will touch – and help – many people struggling in isolation. I will forward it to a mama I know. Thank you – i look forward to reading more if your blog.
Katherine, thank you so much.
It was a tough one to write, but when I decided to do it, the words came pouring out.
I know there are people struggling, ans my hope was that one person may get some comfort or inspiration from my words. I hope your friend does. (And if she wants someone to talk to some more, she’s always free to email me.)
Welcome to the blog too! And thanks for taking the time to comment. xx
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[...] I was going through the peak of my post-natal depression therapies, I was told by a very wise woman that if I really, really, desparately didn’t want to go out [...]