Author Archives: Brooke

Letting Go of Being Good

 

As I spat out a mouthful of snow, I realised my nose was bleeding.

“Are you alright? That was a crazy fall.”

Assuring the friendly skier I was OK, I managed to smile, limp to the end of the run and find my way to the bathroom. Where I promptly burst into hot, embarrassed tears. My face hurt, my hip hurt, my knee hurt and man, my pride hurt.

But let's backtrack a moment…

 

In 2004, Ben and I lived in Canada. We got jobs on a ski hill in Banff and were so excited. It was going to be awesome!

There was the small problem of never having seen snow before, and being completely incapable of skiing or snowboarding – a requirement of the job – but that was a mere trifle. No big deal. Until I realised snowboarding was hard and I sucked at it.

And instead of resolving to learn and improve my snowboarding skills over time, I slipped into envy, resentment and fear. Turns out I had a very low threshold for being bad at things.

“Those people, sliding around the mountain with their grace and ability. Pfft. They probably grew up on the mountain. It must be easy for them. I'll just sit here drinking my coffee. Who needs this anyway? Stupid sport with stupid boards and stupid skills.”

The Problem With Perfectionism

For as long as I could remember, in almost every aspect of my life, I'd worshipped perfection. I'd gone after it and expected nothing less of myself. Any results beneath excellent were unsatisfactory.

I expected mastery before I'd started my apprenticeship. I expected great results without putting in the work.

The problem is – you don't get good without practicing, experiencing, failing, doing, falling, sucking, learning and getting back up.

Letting Go of Being Good

No-one got good at snowboarding while sitting on their arse drinking coffee. Yet that's where you would find me on my break. Watching everyone else slide by, in control, with easy grace, smoothly shifting their knees and feet to get where they wanted to go.

I was envious and arrogant. I assumed it was easy for them. That for some reason it came naturally for other people. I conveniently ignored the fact that “these people” may have practiced for years or grown up on the mountains. Who knows? And really, who cares? I still wasn't learning anything by sitting around sulking.

So I got up. Strapped on my board. Promptly fell over. Got up again and started moving. Then I kept moving. Adjusted my stance. Worked out what worked and what didn't. (For the record, straightening your knees doesn't work. See bloodied nose above.)

Getting Good – Over Time

In his book, Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell tells us we need to spend 10,000 hours working at a skill or craft before we can master it. While I don't necessarily agree with the specifics of his theory, I can appreciate – as can my bloodied nose – that we need to give ourselves time.

Time to fail, to try new things, to learn each of the small parts of a particular skill, to assess our performance, to fall down, to get back up again. Time to complete our apprenticeship step by step.

Can you imagine how different we would feel if we stopped putting pressure on ourselves to become immediate masters? How free we would feel to experiment, to try, to fail, to start again?

Parenting: No-one knows how to be a parent straight away. Even if the instinctive response of caring for our young comes very naturally, the approaches to dealing with toddlers, preschoolers, tweens and teens? Notsomuch. Parenting is a learnt skill, and one that constantly changes.

Creative Work: Van Gogh wasn't born a master. Neither was Brian Wilson, Neil Young or Tim Winton. Before we'd ever heard of them, they'd tried, failed and studied. And they haven't (or didn't) stop learning. You can apply this to your writing, singing, poetry, painting or weaving. We all start at the beginning.

Running A Household: Moving out of home, getting married, starting a family – these are huge shifts in circumstance, and expecting ourselves to know how to do it all without any experience is simply setting ourselves up to fail. Give yourself grace and time.

Sports: Kelly Slater works hard at his mastery, and would have been wiped out as a learner just as much as you or I. He didn't become the best surfer in the world by giving up and heading in. You probably won't ever be the best runner, basketballer, swimmer or jujitsu-lady in the world, but giving yourself over to learning the craft over time means you will become as good as you can.

Living an Intentional Life: No-one can turn their life from hectic to calm overnight, and to expect such a dramatic change will lead to resentment, anger and the likelihood of slipping backwards. Instead, harness the power of small changes over time.

Pack Away Expectations

What if we put away our expectations? What if we said, “I will not be perfect at this. Ever. I might get good at it, but in the meantime, I'm probably going to suck.”

It's OK to strive for great things. It's wonderful to have goals and aspirations and dreams. But giving ourselves grace while we learn (and we are always learning) is one way to stop worshipping at the altar of perfection, and instead start experiencing life.

As for me and my snowboard?

By the end of the season, I was good. Blue-run good at least. Black-run…shaky. And moguls? Forget about it.

What I do remember is our last day on the mountain. I won the day off in a lottery and spent hours riding, laughing, falling down, still not being excellent. The last run of the day was sloppy – the May sunshine beating down – but it was excellent. I was controlled, aware, carving and I felt free and exhilarated.

Just think, I would never have had that moment – the moment I can still feel nearly 10 years on – had I given up. The bloodied noses, broken sunglasses, frustration and embarassment have faded, but the memory remains.

 

Do you allow yourself to be bad at things? Or do you expect greatness immediately?

 

Finding Mindful Moments in A Busy Life

Finding Mindful Moments in a Busy Life

Editor’s Note: This is a post from guest contributor Katy Tynan of Big Little Living.

 

I am not patient.

Most days I wake up with a long list of things to do – most of us do. I hurry up and get ready for work and then I sit in traffic. I write emails, meet deadlines, go to meetings and then hurry home to meet my son at the bus. My ability to pack a day full of stuff can be an asset. It helps me get my job done, and that pays the bills. But sometimes I get ahead of myself. Sometimes I worry so much about what’s next that I forget to look at what’s right now.

And then a moment of peace and stillness comes creeping into my busy life. It settles down on my busy-ness. It covers up my worry. It makes a little space to breathe.

These moments of calm come right in the middle of my busy, hurrying day. They come when I remember to breathe. They come when I remember, even in my office, that tonight the sun will set over the apple orchards. When I remember that right now as I sit in traffic, somewhere the waves are gently lapping at the shore.

If not for all the busy-ness, I’m not sure I would appreciate these moments of peace that slip in between the cracks. I imagine mindful people sitting quietly in the middle of empty, minimalist spaces with the sound of trickling water in the background. I never imagined I could find it in the middle of my busy days.

A lot of mindful moments come when I’m with my son. He sees the small things. He takes his time. And he draws my attention to things I wouldn’t ordinarily even notice.

Finding Mindful Moments in a Busy Life

He moves so fast and yet he sees so much because there is so very much to see. The world is full of tiny beauty; fragile, fascinating moments that exist whether we notice them or not.

“I realized then that a man who had lived only one day could easily live for a hundred years in prison. He would have enough memories to keep him from being bored.”

– Albert Camus

I thought I was going to teach him how to appreciate the world but he teaches me. On his hands and knees in puddles of mud, filled with the thrill of discovery, he discovers what matters. He sees the details and brings them up into the light.

Finding Mindful Moments in a Busy Life

He reminds me that sometimes it’s ok to be late to a meeting or miss a day of work because we need to stop and appreciate the world; that fun and beauty and discovery don’t necessarily happen on a schedule or in an orderly fashion.

“Life moves pretty fast and if you don’t take the time to stop and look around you might miss it.”

– Ferris Bueller

Finding Mindful Moments in a Busy Life

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have nothing to do. How would life be if my days were empty and unscripted? Do I need the rush to appreciate the peace? Do I need the schedule in order to have the fun of skipping it for a day? Because I think the answer is yes, I am as grateful for the chaos and the schedule and the work as I am for the quiet moments in between.

In her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, Susan Cain described the ideal balance that every person has – as unique as a fingerprint – of perfect stimulation. Too much and we are overwhelmed. Too little and we are bored. We are all seeking that perfect state – some days we find it and other days we don’t. But every day is a new day to try again.

 

About Katy Tynan:
Katy is an author and leadership consultant from Boston, Massachusetts. She blogs on how to live a big, happy life at Big Little Living. You can also connect with Katy on Twitter.


The Beautiful Benefits of Being an Early Riser

The Beautiful Benefits to Being an Early Riser

I used to be Queen of the Snooze Button.

BEEP, BEEP… Slap.

Just five more minutes… I was up late last night.

BEEP, BEEP… Slap.

Roll over. Chastise myself.

BEEP, BEEP. Slap.

Oh well, damage done. May as well sleep in til my 'real wake-up time'.

 

Does that sound familiar to you? Do you want to wake earlier but find yourself hitting snooze every morning?

I have by no means perfected the art of rising early, but more mornings than not you will find me up and out of bed between 4:30 and 5:00am.

I don't say that to brag. In fact, the only reason I first began waking early was because I was losing my mind at the lack of alone time during my days and evenings. But the habit has stuck and the benefits are beautiful.

For example, I'm currently sitting on the lounge, hot coffee next to me, sun yet to peek over the horizon. And it's quiet. So lovely and quiet. Some mornings I sit outside and listen to the day unfold. Other times I spend 20 minutes sitting cross-legged on the lounge, emptying my mind. I may plan my day, read a book or work on a writing project.

Whatever I find myself doing in the early hours, I do it for me. And while I feel like a selfish jerk even writing those words, I know that I am a better parent, wife, daughter and friend if I get time to myself every day. Over time, it's become a non-negotiable.

It's not always easy to get up, especially now during winter, and if I'm short on sleep or feeling burnt out, I happily let sleep back in. It's all about sitting comfortably in my rhythm rather than forcing a routine on to myself, and it works for me. But the benefits make it worthwhile – which is often all I need to rememeber when I'm tempted to hit the snooze button.

Beautiful Benefits to Rising Early

Waking at sparrows means you can experience any number of beautiful things. You can:

  • watch the sun rise
  • enjoy the quiet, uninterrupted time
  • work on a project for an hour or two before the day has begun
  • work on a hobby
  • exercise in the morning air
  • listen to the birdsong
  • relish the fact that the day has started on your terms
  • meditate, pray or practice mindfulness
  • enjoy the simple pleasure of a tea or coffee
  • be up, dressed and ready for the day before the rest of the house wakes

 

Tips on Rising Early

1. Choose to adjust gradually, or do it suddenly.

Leo Babauta recently wrote a helpful guide on becoming an early riser. He suggests a gradual shift of 10-15 minutes every few days until you reach your ideal wake-up time. This means you're less likely to suffer from exhaustion or hitting the snooze button repeatedly.

This gradual approach may work perfectly for you. But when I started waking early I simply set my alarm for 4:30am and got up. If I was going to hit the snooze button and drag my feet, I'd do it at any time of the morning. So I just jumped right in.

2. Make yourself get out of bed.

I use my iPad as my alarm. Leaving it to charge overnight means it's on the other side of the room, so when the alarm goes off (quietly enough not to wake anyone else) I jump out of bed to turn it off as quickly as possible. Sometimes I get back into bed if I'm feeling particularly tired, but otherwise I move into my morning rhythm.

3. Go to bed earlier.

Lately I've slipped into a bad habit of going to bed a little later. Sparky and I have been enjoying some Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones once the kids are in bed, and the hour less sleep is showing – mostly under my eyes.

7-8 hours sleep is what I aim for, which means I need to be in bed by 9:30. Usually I am so tired that getting in to bed by then shouldn't be a problem, but I really look forward to the time I get to spend with Ben and it's so easy to get pulled later in to the evening.

Establish how much sleep you need to function well and work backwards. What's your bedtime goal? Then aim to meet it every night for a week and see how you feel.

4. Have a good reason to get up.

I get up for the quiet and I get up to write. Both of those things are important to me, so I am excited to wake up in the mornings. (Usually.)

If you need added motivation to get out of bed earlier, have something to look forward to or a particular reason for getting up. Be it exercise, a hot coffee on the back deck, reading a book uninterrupted, yoga, a warm shower… Whatever it is that sparks a little fire in your belly – make that your reason to get up early. Trust me, it helps on those chilly mornings.

 

Waking early has given me so much. Without the early starts I wouldn't have written my book and I would still be feeling resentful at the lack of alone time I get during the day. Instead, I took matters into my own hands, set the alarm and found a whole list of beautiful reasons to rise early. Now if I could just get our kids to sleep through the night…

 

Tell me, are you an early riser? Or do you prefer the night hours?

 

Room Service – 10 Ways to Create a Beautiful, Simple Kitchen

Room Service - How to Create a Slow Kitchen

{ via Oliver Yaphe }

 

The kitchen is often called the heart of the home – and for good reason. Not only does food bring us together, nourish us and bind us to familiar rituals, but it’s also the physical hub of many modern homes. It’s a dining room, meeting place, admin area and homework station, not to mention, you know, the storage and preparation of food.

Having a simple, slow, pleasant kitchen space that works for you doesn’t mean you need to remodel. Nor does it mean you need huge, shiny benchtops, high-end appliances or a spacious butler’s pantry.

To create a simple, slow kitchen, you just need it to work for you. But first you need to take note of which tasks your kitchen is used for.

Is your kitchen used for:

  • dining – Do you have an eat-in kitchen? Do you eat at a breakfast bar?
  • admin area/office – Do you keep incoming mail, bills and papers in the kitchen?
  • computer work – Is the laptop kept on the kitchen bench? Do you use the iPad as a recipe book?
  • homework – Do your kids do their homework at the kitchen bench?
  • congregation point – Do guests often congregate in your kitchen? Is it a natural gathering point?

Regardless of how you use your kitchen, it needs to work for you, your home and the people who live there.

A simple, clutter-free kitchen is not only functional, but can also be beautiful. Some people will find it boring, but to have a clean, clear, open space that is simply a kitchen really is beautiful. It doesn’t need to be fancy or Pinterest-worthy – just functional.

 

Room Service - How to Create a Slow Kitchen

 

Room Service – 10 Ways to Create a Beautiful, Simple Kitchen

1. Embrace white space.

The kitchen, beyond all else, is a functional space and a clutter-free benchtop not only looks appealing, but also makes food prep much easier.  It doesn’t mean your kitchen needs to be devoid of personality, but you should question the usefulness of the items kept on display. Keep the benches empty (or as close to empty as possible) and try to pack away as you go.

2. Find beauty in utilitarian items.

Just because an item is useful rather than beautiful doesn’t mean there isn’t beauty there. No, I don’t mean use your juicer as a piece of modernist sculpture (unless you really love your juicer) but perhaps:

  • a stack of mixing bowls on an otherwise empty shelf
  • a fruit bowl on the breakfast bar
  • a bunch of flowers or a few potted herbs in a sunny corner
  • a handful of cookbooks lined up on a bare shelf

3. Make use of the kitchen’s functions.

That is, if you also use the kitchen space as the admin/organisational hub of the home, embrace that by having a chalkboard wall for notes and reminders. Combined with a pinboard or a magnetic surface, you can fully use the space you have at your disposal.

3. Clear the cupboards of unnecessary clutter. 

Utensils that are never used, gadgets that seemed like a good idea at the time, countless serving platters, baking trays and cutlery – what of these things do you actually use? This Stone Soup post is a fantastic starting point in helping you decide what you do and don’t need in a simple, efficient kitchen.

Also consider moving items that aren’t used often to a different part of the house. For example, I store my slow cooker, serving platters, pizza stone and extra wine glasses in the linen cupboard, as I would only use them once a week at the very most.

4. Group similar use items together.

Perhaps a basic suggestion, but keeping all saucepans, pots and frying pans together, or all dry goods, baking goods, tinned foods or crockery in the same place will make it much easier to work in the space, and you will be much more efficient.

5. Consider secondary storage for bulk items.

Extra bags of pasta, tins of tomatoes, washing liquid and other non-perishable items can be kept out of the kitchen to help free up space. A shelf in the laundry may work, or a hall cupboard. Then, when it comes time to do the groceries, be sure to shop your storage first.

6. Keep the fridge orderly – inside and out.

Before unpacking the groceries, do a quick run-through of the contents of your fridge, removing anything that is past its use-by date. Milk, leftovers, fruit and veges left to linger in the crisper – these are the usual suspects. Ensuring the inside of your fridge stays healthy means you’re less likely to waste food or buy too much.

As for the outside of the fridge, keep it clear if you want – it certainly is in keeping with the clutter-free kitchen. Personally though, I like the personality kids’ drawings, various magnets and photos bring to the room. Keep them relevant by sorting through them every month or so, to stop the space becoming another clutter magnet.

7. Use lighting to add interest.

A pendant light hung above a worktop or island bench gives interest, but is also great for functionality. You want good lighting in your kitchen, so adding a light instead of additional decor is a win-win.

8. Use colour to add interest, rather than clutter.

A wall painted in a striking colour, a chalkboard feature or interesting coloured cabinetry all add interest without adding clutter to your space.

9. Buy secondhand where possible.

Enamel stoves, cookware, benches, bar stools, benchtops, hardware and sinks can all be sourced secondhand. Craigslist, ebay, local papers, op-shops are the best place to begin. Again, adding items with a history will help you to add interest and personality without adding stuff. Plus, using second-hand items is a great environmentally-friendly option.

10. Ensure everything has its place. 

As well as the utensils, gadgets, crockery, cutlery and glassware, each item that lives in the kitchen space needs to have it’s own place. If you use the kitchen as an admin area, you need to set aside space specifically for the tasks involved. Even if it’s simply a matter of putting your paperwork in folders and storing them with the cookbooks, or using a drawer to collect bills as they come in. Everything needs to have a place of its own, otherwise clutter will creep in.

If you keep the laptop in the kitchen (for homework, work or study) then find a place for that too. Alicia suggests finding an attractive box to hold your laptop and charger – hiding it in plain sight when not in use. Alternatively, you could find somewhere else to keep it.

 

Aside from cooking, what do you find your kitchen being used for? Does it work for you? Or would you like to make some changes, to create a slower, simpler space?

{ Images L-R via: This Old House | vtwonen | HomedItMackapär et Trendenser | Remodelista | Apartment Therapy | Apartment Therapy | Houzz | Better Homes and Gardens }

Simplicity on the Other Side of Complexity

Simplicity on the Other Side of Complexity

{ via 3 Lives Left on Society6 }

 

This is a post from guest contributor Mike Burns of The Other Side of Complexity. Mike has just released a fantastic e-book, ‘Simpler: Declutter Your Life and Focus on What’s Important‘ and is giving it away for free until Saturday 8th June. Grab your copy here.

 

Let’s start this off with a confession…My life can be kind of complicated.

Don’t get me wrong…I love my life. I wouldn’t trade it.

I am grateful for the relationships and opportunities that I have. But with relationships and opportunities come potential complications.

  • I am married, and I have six children.
  • My kids have different hobbies, passions, and personalities.
  • I work a full-time job.
  • Outside of that, I blog every week about living well.
  • I write books and create video content.
  • I help coordinate a band with some family members.
  • I have relatives that live across the country.
  • My career has taken me to multiple states.
  • I have friends that live all over the place, and we try to stay in touch.

I could continue, but you get the picture…

I say these things to emphasize a point:

My life isn’t always simple.

But it is simpler than it used to be.

Over the past several years, I’ve been pursuing simplicity. I’ve been working to eliminate the unnecessary so I could focus on the things that are important to me. It’s made a huge difference in my peace of mind, my work, my family and my approach to life.

But things don’t always work out according to plan.

  • Stuff breaks.
  • Relationships get awkward.
  • Jobs are eliminated.
  • Emergency Room visits rack up unexpected bills.
  • Cars break down before you finish paying for them.
  • Paint fades.
  • Roofs leak.

Depressed, yet?

I know the items in this list sound negative, but they’re true.

Ignoring the facts doesn’t do us any good. Life isn’t always easy.

Some people allow this realization to hinder them from pursuing simplicity. They push back against the idea that you can eliminate clutter and focus on your priorities. They surrender to the chaos and assume that it will always be this way.

I understand where they’re coming from, but I feel bad for them. There is more to the story.

Simple is relative. It’s better realized when compared to the alternative.

Wherever you are, things can get simpl…er. In fact, if you really work at it, you can even get it down to where you drop the “r” and just call it plain “simple”. When compared to the whirlwind you see around you, your life can look like a peaceful walk on the beach.

Hopefully, you hear the honesty in my approach. I’m not going to make any promises about a trouble-free life where everything is serene and natural. Simplicity takes work. But it’s good work. And it’s worth it.

It’s not the “easy way out”. It comes with effort. But the value is great.

There is a famous quote that has been attributed to Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. Perhaps you’ve heard it.

“For the simplicity on this side of complexity, I wouldn’t give you a fig. But for the simplicity on the other side of complexity, for that I would give you anything I have.”

As is the case with all fairly-old quotations, these words are used in a variety of ways to prove a variety of things. I’m not going to try to prove anything with them. They just inspire me. In fact, this quote is the source from which I chose the name of my blog.

Here’s what it triggers in my mind: An idea of simplicity that doesn’t acknowledge the fact that life is complicated is naïve. However, there is a different kind of simplicity that is found when we don’t surrender and keep working toward it.

That’s the kind of simplicity I am realizing. It’s a more realistic simplicity. Joshua Becker, of becoming minimalist calls it “rational minimalism”.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Nice quote, Mike, but what do I DO about it?”

Good question.

Here are four things to get you started:

1. Scrap the unrealistic ideal.

It doesn’t help anyone when we paint an unattainable picture of a life with no complication or drama. Whether we communicate it blatantly, or by implication, we do ourselves and the people around us a disservice. Life isn’t easy.

2. Embrace conflict.

It happens. We should get used to it. We don’t have to like it. We just have to accept it as a reality that will be with us for the rest of our lives.

3. Don’t be content to live your entire life as a slave to the whirlwind.

Accept that conflict is a reality, but REFUSE to let it stop you from going forward. You are not doomed to being the victim.

4. Work through the complexity and find focus.

As you encounter resistance and things get more complex, learn from them. Push through the mess and find the clearing on the other side. Many people never do. They drown in trivia. Don’t let that be the case in your life.

If you look around, you will find plenty of people who are overwhelmed with all sorts of things. In fact, at times, it feels like they are the majority.

But there are also others who have determined that life is too short to be cynical. They are learning that there is joy to be found in a life lived in spite of the negative things that try to hinder us.

That’s what I want for my life. How about you?

 

Mike Burns blogs at theothersideofcomplexity.com. You can also connect with him on Twitter (@mikemikeburns) and Facebook. And don’t miss your chance to grab a free copy of his excellent book, ‘Simpler: Declutter Your Life and Focus on What’s Important’ by visiting Amazon before midnight Saturday 8th June (PST).

 

 

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