As a parent, friend, sister, daughter and wife I struggle with the notion of enough.
- Do I play with the kids enough?
- Are we having enough sex?
- Am I healthy enough?
- Do I call my sisters enough?
- Have I been a good enough friend?
- Is it enough to be content?
- Am I trying hard enough?
- Am I attractive enough?
- Do I give enough?
- Do I care enough?
Enough – not too little, not too much. Just… enough.
After struggling with the idea for a very long time – never feeling good enough, never satisfied, never entirely content – I’ve started to frame the idea of ‘enough’ in a different way. And can I tell you, it’s helping me find some much-needed perspective.
Much like the idea of tilting – where we willingly throw things off-balance and tilt in the direction life requires - I wondered if we could view the idea of ‘enough’ as a long-term notion, rather than something we need to achieve every day?
I think we can. And I think we should.
What does that look like in real life?
“Do I play with the kids enough?” Maybe not today, but sometimes clothes need to be washed, emails returned, toilets cleaned and phonecalls made. On the other hand, do I feel good in my gut when I ask if I’ve played with them enough over the past six months? Yes.
“Am I trying hard enough?” Some days, I phone it in. And on those days, I am lacking. But, again, over the past 6 months? 2 years? 10 years? Yes, I try hard enough.
There are peaks and troughs, mountains and valleys for everything in life. Sometimes we feel that we are enough, other times we are filled with doubt. I think that’s simply being human. But reframing the idea this way has shown me that enough really IS enough.
But what about when it isn’t enough?
When you ask yourself the question, “Am I doing enough over time?” and the answer is silence. Or worse, when the answer is a pang.
What do you do then?
When that pang reverberates in my gut I know I need to pull up and listen. I know I need to make a change, or ask a different question.
“Do I call my best friend enough?” PANG. No. Pay attention and make a change.
“Have we made enough time to unplug on the weekends?” PANG. No. What can we do differently?
“Am I present enough when I do play with the kids?” PANG. No. How can I change my approach?
My aim, in turning the idea of enough upside down, is to be mindful and intentional about what I’m choosing to do. Instead of being carried away by panic and regret and frustration at not being enough every day.
Essentially that means if I haven’t played with the kids enough, there’d better be a good reason. If I haven’t called my best friend enough, again, show me a good reason.
It’s a matter of listening to your instincts, your gut, and that little voice inside your head that when given a longer view of things suddenly becomes quite wise.
“Relax. You’ve done enough over time. That counts,” it says.
I think it’s time to listen.
Do you ever struggle with feeling like you’re enough? Would taking a long-term view help you feel better?